What we think is Happiness

Today went from Okay to horrible.
I hate everyone and everything right now. I am so fucking angry at everything. I am sitting in my apartment with no clothes on because all of my pajama bottoms are dirty. and all of my jeans. We could have done laundry yesterday or the day before but it's not important. Actually it's just not done unless I throw a fit and drag Jason away from the computer.
I have seperated all of MY clothes from the laundry and when my knee stops hurting enough to walk down the stairs and across the apartment to the laundry room... I'll go to MY laundry.
I am so fucking sick of waiting for when it's convienient for Jason to help me with the laundry to do it. It's too heavy for me to carry. Id have to make 5 trips just to get it all. all 60lbs of Jasons 60 pairs of pants.

I thought I'd do myself some good yester day at the gym by running on the treadmill instead of just using a cardio machine... I guess I forgot how fucked up my knees are. and how I fucked them up by skating without knee pads on. (and because I couldn't find kneepads to fit me...)
it hurts. so bad. when i move it. its the ACL?? tendon or whatever?? How the fuck should I know because I don't have insurance and havent for 3 years so I can't go find out what's wrong with it or how to fix it.

This afternoon has sucked more than any so far this year.
Just forget that my shitty hair mixed with my grown out shitty hair cut was all staticy and in my fucking face while trying to drive in the bullshit blinding So Cal sun my shitty work truck listen to radio stations that usually play great music. all playing SHIT. Red hot shit peppers, cold shit, a pearl jam song I actually like but have heardf about 10 times in the last two days... more shit. some horrible sounded like country on my rock station. that;s not diverse. it's annoying. and as much as Zepplin rocks. can we keep it on the stations that PLAY zepplin?? Can't you just play SOAD or the White stripes again? or maybe that filter song I like. NOO!!! it's fucking Jesus of Suburbia again. I'm sorry Billy Joe, but Queen already impressed people with a long song. and it was actualy ONE song, not 6 stuck together. you're not fukcing cool.

So, since Im a fucking officemanager and it's my job to manage this shitty office I work in. I need to mail things. Well the newspapers gave us a whopping two day head notice about how the 50 stamps I have there are completely worthless as of yesterday. but the post office is out of 2cent stamps. Their stamp machines don't sell 2 cent stamps. and some guy in a Montero and a fucking Beanie (in socal on a hot afternoon) and mirrored sunglasses is backing up the one way parking lot so he doesn't have to walk an extra 5 spaces. shit head.

Jason, the love of my life, called me today to get my last four so he can pay his truck payment. which is in MY name, because my precious has shitty credit so I bought him a brand new fucking truck on MY credit. He made the truck payment today and it was due two days ago.
"but there's a grace period" I wanted to fucking strangle him. he PROMISED me hed never be late with it, that he'd clean it, and make sure it was maintienced. Nope. I changed the fucking oil. I even cleared the 'maintaince required' light for him. I told him he needed to adjust the tire pressure. two weeks ago. not happened.

and there is a plastic bag from dinner two nights ago and an empty gallon of water on the counter. because plastic is too fucking hard to throw out?
nope it hangs out in front on the trashcan on the floor for two weeks because he means to put it in the recycle bin. one day. mean while my apartment looks like shit.
all the fucking time.
he is all over the cleaning and making it look nice now and again. but in a week it's fucking trashed. So instead of cleaning up little messes as we go. it gets gross and them someone calls and says they're visiting. so he busts out the Fantastic to clean the bathroom counter. Is he scared someone might think were messy?>
My bathroom, in every place I have ever lived in has been dirty, mostly all the time. the counters get dusty grimy from god knows what. and my hair pins and make up and toothbrush are always on display. but everything else. bedroom, kitchen and living room. nice. None of my friends have ever been like "damn girl, you need to clean your counter"

my final errand this afternoon was to make the deposit for the office. it was 440pm when I rolled up to BofA. and I go to the merchant teller and she is closed. 'im closed.. sorry...'
go fuck yourself bitch.
I live and work in a poor city. every person gets off work and goes to the bank I think to do who knows what. The regular line at a bank of america is like 35 people. Im pissed of and various men I have had to deal with today my knee fucking hurts and the merchant chick can't be open for the hours it says it's open on the door?
One thing I can say for myself is that I don't depend on anyone else for anything, ever.
but it is getting really hard.
my car registration is expired, but I can't go to the DMV it's only open when I'm working, I can't even mail it in because I don't have enough stamps (note: ust use office stamps to mail this in)
so I'm driving around with expired plates in a car that screams (come arrest me) {{it's really beat up, poor thing's had a hard life}}
Not that I have a shiny new motorcycle in my carpot that I could ride to work...
oh wait.. yes I do. but I can't ride it because Jason so lovingly tried to put some aftermarken turn signals on it only to find out that they arent compatible, after he cut my wires. so I have a shiny new motorcycle with some wires chillin off the side of it and no liscence plate cause it broke off.
I don't have the first clue how to work on bikes. I take my bike to a shop to have the tire presure adjusted cause I don't know how. and I'm okay with that. but what does he care if my lights don't work now, he's got a shiny new bike of his own to ride AND a shiny new truck.

Then Jason calls me as I'm leaving the bank. he asks how I am. I am not good at lying. Like I constantly drink Truth syrup... so I say I am crappy, and frustrated and sad and I hate everything right now.
"oh, how come?" ... I dont have time to explain, nor the patience because I will become rude.
I said just cause, just everything is upsetting me. "oh is there anything I can do?"
I don't know why he asks me thins. he knows theres nothing he can do. he can't even adjust his fucking tire pressure when i ask him to. He told me himself long ago in the adolescence of our relationship that he clams up when his chick is upset because his ex-wife was fucking psycho (litteraly) and there truly was nothing he could do. do he doesn't his best reaction is ":::shrug:: im sorry honey.."
I said, no there's nothing you can do. that's why I didn't call you in the first place.
I know that is damn rude. I wish more than anything that I had a good shoulder to cry on. but I don't I am too far from everything I am used to. from all my good friends who understand who I am and know just what to do to cheer me up. And how can I call them and say "Im an idiot. I wish I could come home. " When I just got done saying how much better off I am here in California.

I pay rent. and I make a bit more money than I did back home. Other than that. Im not really better off.

I want to drink and do drugs. I want to create but I am too busy just trying to survive.
I know now how Scott must have been feeling when I met him 4 years ago. he was always stoned. I couldn't figure out why.
It is better to be floundering and stoned than sober and to realize it.