Back From Outer Space

You wait little girl, on an empty stage for fate to turn the light on.Your life, little girl, is an empty page that people want to write on.

To
Write
On.

Get your own page, fucker.*********************************************

So I was watching Doctor Who the other day, like I do, and the episode started with the Doc in his Tardis and then something crazy happens and one of his past incarnations appears. The 5th one to be exact (Played by Peter Davidson). Weird little cameo for Doctor #5, but I believe it was just a hip little add in for old fans and for David Tennent (Ten). Ten says to Five, "You were My Doctor. You made me the man I am today." This could have no meaning for some people, but to others (not just me ) I know there's more to it. David Tennent loves Doctor Who and was very excited to play the role of Ten. So it's not just Ten that Five helped create, but the actor playing him as well. It was sooo beautiful. I love that David Tennent wraps elements of all the Doctors into his character. It's like her really IS the culmination of all of his previous lives.
Five was not My Doctor. Mine was Seven. He made me the man I am today. Errr.. woman.. LOL. Snarky, brooding, ADHD, determined, self confident, "I'll make you suffer to learn a lesson," Doctor number Seven. Lucky number seven.
The Doctor is my hero. My role model. My sanity keeper. And I realize every once in a while that I am very similar to that person I admire so much-when I am the person I want to be. The real me that I keep hidden sometimes in fear of who knows what.I even have a beat up old traveling machine that I have to sometimes talk to and beat in places to get it to run properly! I see things from other perspectives. And sometimes I need someone there to stop me. To remind me that I am not alone. Not really.
My life has been in sudden upheaval.If I were to have had my tarot read, I would have got the death card.At least I don't feel like I should have the Eight of Cups anymore.It is not love I run from, but unhappiness. Traps and illusions, cookie cutter places in life.
So I will document it like it has happened so I will not forget.
The past year of my relationship with Jason has been shitty. Stupid, painful, stressful, depressing, un-communicative. Ruined. I used to think it was just me being silly. That I was wrong for being uncomfortable with "sharing" my boyfriend. I know now that I was right to be uncomfortable because I really loved Jason and I felt we had a bond. When you have that you don't want to share. and you shouldn't.
I guess he didn't feel the same way because he was fine with sharing. That is the thing that really hurts me. To think that he never truly felt committed to me or that the bond was meaningless.
ANd that when he said he's never leave me it wasn't because he felt he'd never want to leave me but because he knew he was a coward and wouldn't be able to break it off even if he wanted to. It was my responsibility to tell him when I was no longer happy.
And he made it come to that point where I was no longer happy by never wanting to resolve any problems we ever had. We could never talk about things and if we did it was only fruitful if I didn't cry. Cause he can't deal with someone with depressed feelings. Oh god no!!! FEELINGS!!!!
Great feelings of joy and happiness have to go hand in hand with great sadness. That's just how it must be. Good and Evil. Light and Dark.
For me, I guess I need someone who can understand, appreciate, and support those extremes.I can imagine someone who doesn't have them must have life so easy. And boring. Who wants to live life without deep emotion??
I doubt I'll ever find a guy man enough to handle it. Oh well. One day I'll get over my sexual problems and that wont be an issue.
Oh yeah, and thanks for fucking me up sexually Jason. Yes Sometimes I see sex as dirty and wrong. I can't even get myself off anymore. Not that I try very often.Of course I see it as wrong. The sanctity of my sexual relationship was compromised. Damaged. Ruined. Sex wasn't holy any more. It had no meaning and especially not with me. It is tainted. What is going to compel me to want to have sex with someone who just wants to have sex with anyone? Someone. No one. Doesn't matter, it's just sex.
Thanks a lot. That makes me feel pretty.
So Mister "I can't face or talk about my feelings" never did, and when things didn't get better for some reason, he stopped trying and looked else where. Way to go Jason, treating me just like you did your last ex. I feel sorry for any girl you end up with. You'll make her crazy too because you're too wear to deal with your emotions. Which is really sad because I know you have them. You've just locked them away with your dark secrets. The world is a fucked up place.In the words of The Flaming Lips, "You have to face things when you're not prepared to face them."
So for four months after I caught him with Becky, he sort of tried to be "the good boyfriend" and i tried to be "the good girlfriend." But I thought that also meant not speaking up when things bugged me. I don't think it would have mattered it I had. I would have been told that I was wrong to feel angry and jealous and hurt. And to just drink more. Just drink more and more until I'd get so drunk on top of being angry and hurt and sad that I'd cry and cry and cry....
And that was way too much for Jason. How could I be sooo crazy when he was trying soo hard.
To do what? hang out with the girl he cheated on me with all the time? and wonder why I didn't want to be there? And she wonders why I don't want to be her friend anymore.
The one person I trusted who stabbed me in the back. In a way it is fine because it was the proverbial straw on the camel's back to get me out of this relationship which was no good for me anyway. I need some one who can feel, who can care, who can grow, and who can pay their bills on time.
So three months after that I had finally broken down and gone to the psychiatrist in my therapy group and got onto a medicine. NOT and SSRI. I don't know who in the world flourishes on those things!!
I realize that I have very high ups and very low downs and stress makes them worse. Shitty relationship=stress. My highs and lows got very bad. Drinking on top of that makes them even worse. Jason so could not deal with that. I admit, it must be a lot to deal with. I'm not sure I could. EXCEPT the fact that I know I have issues and continually work to better them. Not too many people do that. They just go on being crazy and blame it on ADD and Bi-Polar disorder.
My friends Melissa and Xander, who are both bi-polar, are not really like that. They helped me see that it's not wrong or bad it's just different and you have to accept who you are and be honest about it and take whatever medicine works for you. This society makes it necessary I'm afraid.
So in August I had a reaction to a medicine. Apparently the generic of Welbrutron can make some people super crazy! I had so much anxiety and paranoia it is hard to explain. I had not felt that mixed up inside since I was a child. It was a horrifying trip back to a place I never want to be again. And I said it. Out loud. That our relationship was ruined and I knew it. And I felt (of course) that it was my fault. And Jason was his unfeeling self and just hugged me. I knew he felt the same thing.
When I got the medication problems sorted out. I had hoped it was just my paranoia and that With how well the drugs were working that we could fix our relationship. But it was done. He stopped saying. "I love you." Which I always felt was over used anyway, but it was missing and I knew. Finally he had the out he needed. Me too I guess. Finally, over e-mail (be cause finally I'd figured out a method that we were able to talk about our feelings and problems thorough)we talked about our feelings and problems. I said we can start over or quit. He didn't want to push the reset button. I guess I didn't really either. I do know that I wanted him to say it first, just because he said he never would. So he said it. August 21st? Sure that sounds about right. Over e-mail; "I can't just start over."
Well not with you-neither can I. I can't kiss you ever again with out seeing you kiss someone else and knowing that you didn't care enough to overcome your own insecurities and fears to save a relationship with someone you swore you loved. I'm sure he does love me. I love him. But you can love someone very much and know they are not right for you. We are not right for each other. not as lovers. Hopefully as friends.
He said he wants very much to stay friends and that his fear is that I will hate him and never talk to him again. I'm not sure why if I caused him so much grief. It's probably because he just wants to hang on to me for some reason. 'Just in case' or some bullshit.
I want to stay friends with him to. He's fun and useful. I want very much to no longer be hurt by what has happened and rather be able to look back and know it was for the best. I know one day I will. I know the world has no ended. I know it will take time. I know that I can get him to talk about his feelings now because there is no "relationship" at stake.
I know what boundaries I should and should not cross with him in talking about feelings. I know what I can let lie and what I can't.
I know who my real friends are. The "We's" as Jasmine has put it. Who's in the IT Crowd and who isn't. And who ever isn't can go fuck themselves if they don't like it. If they aren't human enough to be a real friend, then they aren't human enough for it to matter if they are left out.
I know now why I 'day dream' and that it is OK and that I can use it to more successfully work out my problems.
I know now that I have even more potential mentally that I previously understood. And that having my "deep feelings" means more that just being an artist or whatever. It gives me a power that some people only dream of having. The power over my own life.
And when asked "who the hell are you?" the Doctor turned around and said, "I'm the Doctor. I'm from Gallifrey. I'm a Time Lord. I'm 900 years old and I'm going to save the world. Got a problem with that?"
He finally just said it. No speeches or jokes or mind games or tricks, just the truth. I again saw myself.
I can turn around and say "I'm Rachael. I'm weird. I feel deeply and I see things you don't. And I'm going to drink this light beer. Is there a problem with that?"
And no one will question me. No one will tell me I'm wrong. I am done compromising. I have broken away from the path that I was put upon and that I feared so much. I am not my parents.

I win.

What it means to Daydream

Oh god, where have I been?
Days turn into months turn into years.
I know I'm shite at keeping a journal. I tried to keep my LJ going, but people read that and feel the need to comment.
It all seems so damn unimportant to post about.
"Today In school, I leaned about colors!"
Who cares? Am I really gonna give a fuck about that in a year? And does anyone who reads it give a fuck? Seriously? Probably not. We're all in this for ourselves. Anyone who says differently is lying.

But I've lost my mind. And found it in a way. My relationship with Jason has made me crazy. and made me realize that I'm not grown up enough to be in a relationship. And Neither is he. He has a bigger wall around him that I do. I didn't think it was possible. He can't handle a girl with depression or one who chooses to feel everything and think about everything. Someone who really believes that for every action there is a reaction and another, and another.
He has no desire to settle down, even with himself. Never to grow up enough even to get a savings account. Or pay off a debt. Or shave everyday. Nothing in his life is important enough to make a real effort for. Including me.

This makes me feel very small and worthless. For someone who claims to have loved me. Obviously didn't love me enough or at all. Not enough to try to fix what he knows is wrong with him.

I try to fix what's wrong with me. I don't want the rest of my life to be a failure like it has been so far. I can't just accept that "I'm wrong and fucked up" and just keep plodding along. not giving a shit if it ever changes.

He wants to stay friends with me because he likes hanging out with me. He has no deeper feelings for anyone in his life. What girl in their right mind is going to be OK in a relationship with that??? None.

It's impossible to be with a guy, in a relationship where you are supposed to love each other and share and live and grow together if the only priority he has is to have fun while hanging out and having sex.

And how can I really stay friends with him if he can't even be a real friend?!?
Let alone the fact that I get to be reminded that he went into a relationship with me and made this life with me and never gave a fuck about it.