What it means to Daydream
Oh god, where have I been?
Days turn into months turn into years.
I know I'm shite at keeping a journal. I tried to keep my LJ going, but people read that and feel the need to comment.
It all seems so damn unimportant to post about.
"Today In school, I leaned about colors!"
Who cares? Am I really gonna give a fuck about that in a year? And does anyone who reads it give a fuck? Seriously? Probably not. We're all in this for ourselves. Anyone who says differently is lying.
But I've lost my mind. And found it in a way. My relationship with Jason has made me crazy. and made me realize that I'm not grown up enough to be in a relationship. And Neither is he. He has a bigger wall around him that I do. I didn't think it was possible. He can't handle a girl with depression or one who chooses to feel everything and think about everything. Someone who really believes that for every action there is a reaction and another, and another.
He has no desire to settle down, even with himself. Never to grow up enough even to get a savings account. Or pay off a debt. Or shave everyday. Nothing in his life is important enough to make a real effort for. Including me.
This makes me feel very small and worthless. For someone who claims to have loved me. Obviously didn't love me enough or at all. Not enough to try to fix what he knows is wrong with him.
I try to fix what's wrong with me. I don't want the rest of my life to be a failure like it has been so far. I can't just accept that "I'm wrong and fucked up" and just keep plodding along. not giving a shit if it ever changes.
He wants to stay friends with me because he likes hanging out with me. He has no deeper feelings for anyone in his life. What girl in their right mind is going to be OK in a relationship with that??? None.
It's impossible to be with a guy, in a relationship where you are supposed to love each other and share and live and grow together if the only priority he has is to have fun while hanging out and having sex.
And how can I really stay friends with him if he can't even be a real friend?!?
Let alone the fact that I get to be reminded that he went into a relationship with me and made this life with me and never gave a fuck about it.
Days turn into months turn into years.
I know I'm shite at keeping a journal. I tried to keep my LJ going, but people read that and feel the need to comment.
It all seems so damn unimportant to post about.
"Today In school, I leaned about colors!"
Who cares? Am I really gonna give a fuck about that in a year? And does anyone who reads it give a fuck? Seriously? Probably not. We're all in this for ourselves. Anyone who says differently is lying.
But I've lost my mind. And found it in a way. My relationship with Jason has made me crazy. and made me realize that I'm not grown up enough to be in a relationship. And Neither is he. He has a bigger wall around him that I do. I didn't think it was possible. He can't handle a girl with depression or one who chooses to feel everything and think about everything. Someone who really believes that for every action there is a reaction and another, and another.
He has no desire to settle down, even with himself. Never to grow up enough even to get a savings account. Or pay off a debt. Or shave everyday. Nothing in his life is important enough to make a real effort for. Including me.
This makes me feel very small and worthless. For someone who claims to have loved me. Obviously didn't love me enough or at all. Not enough to try to fix what he knows is wrong with him.
I try to fix what's wrong with me. I don't want the rest of my life to be a failure like it has been so far. I can't just accept that "I'm wrong and fucked up" and just keep plodding along. not giving a shit if it ever changes.
He wants to stay friends with me because he likes hanging out with me. He has no deeper feelings for anyone in his life. What girl in their right mind is going to be OK in a relationship with that??? None.
It's impossible to be with a guy, in a relationship where you are supposed to love each other and share and live and grow together if the only priority he has is to have fun while hanging out and having sex.
And how can I really stay friends with him if he can't even be a real friend?!?
Let alone the fact that I get to be reminded that he went into a relationship with me and made this life with me and never gave a fuck about it.
posted by the red baloon at 11:04 AM
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